August 6th, 2010

failed ice cream

(no subject)

I had a mental yesterday. I'm now not at the charity shop. Amazingly, I don't feel guilty in the slightest. I don't like it since Vicky left, and I'm probably not going to go any more.

I can't even begin to start telling you everything that went through my head yesterday. It ranged from everyone at the new shop hating me to feeling unbelievably guilty because I hadn't answered an email.

I think this all started when Rob told us him and Sarah are having another baby. (FFS just to illustrate what my head tells me, as I was writing that, this was what my head said - "It's not 3 months yet, you're not supposed to tell anyone.... It's fine, cause if I tell people before 3 months then she'll have a miscarraige.... why do you want her to have a miscarriage you evil bitch? ... why will telling people early cause a miscarriage? ... you're so screwed now if she has a miscarriage, cause it's your fault")

Anyway, then I had a therapy appt which I'd forgotten about, so I rang to cancel, and K told me she couldn't see me for a while, because she's going on maternity leave.

Then there was yesterday at the tattoo shop. I'd already told Kim I probably wouldn't be able to work for her soon, and when I went in yesterday, Nini was there (who stopped working to learn with Kim) and Chris, Kim's boyfriend (who sold his window cleaning round so he can work with Kim), sooooo there's loads of people working there, she doesn't need me. I should have been happy but just felt un-needed. WTF BRAIN. Especially when today I'm NEEDED but I decided not to go.

So now today, fuck it, I don't know what I'm doing. There was a sentence somewhere there. I also know I'm being hard on myself, and I'm trying to stop.