February 11th, 2010

(no subject)

Having a bad day. Therapy cancelled again tomorrow and I broke down at college. I was already feeling shit and just waiting for my appt to talk to K about it.

I've noticed my mood crashing but we hadn't discussed coping techniques yet. When I paused smoking I started scratching myself again, and my dark thoughts were worrying me as well as the return of violent dreams, over responsibility feelings and feeling like I'm a failure.

Realised maaya annoys me so much because she's going to get to do an art degree and I'm not, because I was stupid when I was 18 and didn't want to compete with my brother. So i've wasted 10 years and my higher education allowance doing something useless.

Ian says we can afford for me to do an art degree but I can't keep sponging off him. I thought maybe I'd go to college and find I wasn't good enough, but this is the only future I want now. I'm the one that's made my own life difficult - so I hate myself at the moment, this time with reason.

Does anyone know a millionaire who might fund an art degree?

(no subject)

I promise you I was not beating myself up in my last post as someone texted me to tell me to stop doing.

I was just sort of thinking out loud on the blog about why I feel shit at the minute. Trying to make sense of things. Because my head is full of thoughts. I honestly don't need cheering up.

failed ice cream

Things I forgot earlier but which I want to remember

1. Talking to Kim today at college - I'd stopped crying and was trying to talk to her. She was trying to make me feel better by telling me I could do anything i wanted to do.I told her all I wanted to be was an artist, and got so passionate about it that I got hysterical and couldn't breathe. 

2. Val told Claudia he thinks i'm good, and he also told Sara that he likes the composition of my paintings. All he needs to do now is tell me.

3. Batley School of Art don't charge top-up fees so it's the cheapest degree in the area. This is awesome as we'll probably be able to afford it.