January 12th, 2010

MENTAL health update - TL:DR

I feel all CAPSLOCK and someone writing something I agree with so much made me think 'shit i better update about my mental health'

"I can go a long time without disliking or hating myself but I'm still "depressed" because THINGS ARE SHIT AND PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE CUNTS. I think it's not unreasonable to be angry and sad about that."

This is pretty much exactly how I feel at the minute. I don't really hate myself, I just hate everyone else. For various reasons.

1. They have money and I don't.
2. They have a job and I don't.
or even
3. They don't have a job and the job centre isn't on their case trying to make them get a job

I am healthy enough to get a job. But the trouble is there are no jobs I want to do. There are not even any jobs I am able to do, even if I gave up college. Because so many people are applying, everyone is being SO SPECIFIC in all the job adverts that there's no point applying. When a shitty job in a cafe states 'all candidates must have experience of waiting on tables' you are in serious trouble. Even cleaning jobs seem to want experience of CLEANING for god's sake.

My CV is woefully shit.  When asked for my last two jobs, I never know what to do.

1994 - voluntary work and a bit of being mental
1995 - legal cashier, and a lot more being mental
1996-9 - university - including 4 part time jobs and trying to stop being mental
1999-2000 - behavioural therapist
2000-2002 - dental receptionist
2003 - being mental again, trying to do a PGCE, having amazing ideas about businesses, printing t-shirts at home, mum dying
2004 - 2008 - practice manager of the dentist i was receptionist at
2009 - being mental, volunteering at the museum

I don't have any experience of anything concrete, despite being good at loads of stuff. I'm finding it nearly impossible to get my foot in the door. Having to put the dentist as a reference is making me feel awful, because not only did i leave them in the lurch, i'm also asking them to give me loads of references because i'm applying for loads of jobs.

So anyway, I know i have to give up college if i get a full time job. But I worry about that. without college, i'm falling to pieces a bit. I miss having somewhere to go, so i'm hanging around my study painting and making stuff and i feel better. If i get a job, I won't be able to do that.


I want a night shift stocking shelves in a supermarket, because it'll be easy to do, fit around college, and fulfill my need to ORGANISE