December 13th, 2009

mental health update

My therapist was back this week so we had our first appointment for 6 weeks. It went very well.

I haven't been totally honest about how bad I've been feeling, because I didn't want to worry anyone. When uncle bill died on my birthday just after the holiday, I felt worse than I have for a while. For the first time in a year I began to wonder if I could be bothered, with life, with college, with Leeds, with everything. You know what I mean.

I got over it a bit, but after that shit day at college, I didn't want to go back. I didn't know where I wanted to go. I started scratching my arms again, and stopped sleeping and eating properly. I've been smoking far too much as well (me and Kim have promised to help each other to stop when we see each other on the 30th) but haven't even been worried about it, because I couldn't see the point in not smoking.

Then it was December. Mum's birthday, Dad being useless, thinking about seeing everyone. I've been swinging between (what I consider) mania and deep depression, sometimes in the same day. I was so sick of it - it's exhausting, and I think unless you get major mood swings, you can't even realise. I know that sounds crap, but it's not like just waking up and feeling a bit shit, and then getting over it. Last week I had a nosebleed in my sleep, then nearly fainted, then at college had a fit of hysteria laughing at something, then fell asleep on my desk - if you're trying to tell me that's normal, then fine, but the concern people showed me at college showed me it probably isn't.

I told Kathryn all this. She said she wanted to re-screen me for 'the usual suspects' and asked me if I'd read anything which might be useful. I said I'd like to be screened for OCD as no one has ever taken me seriously when I've mentioned this. She suggested cyclothymia, bipolar, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and health anxiety disorder, as well as unipolar depression. We're going to test for all of them, and see which scores are highest, and concentrate on that. It might mean changing meds, but it probably won't (unless I'm severely clinical for bipolar obviously, but I think that's really unlikely).

She also wants to try 'mindfulness CBT' and 'DBT' as she's concerned that cognitive therapy isn't good for me any more, as it feeds in to the obsessional thoughts I have.We started a bit of mindfulness CBT and it seemed OK. She mentioned 'compassion CBT', which made me cry just from her explaining it. She seems as keen to get to the bottom of what's wrong with my brain as I am, because I was desperately distressed on Friday and she didn't want to refer me back to secondary mental health as they are utter shite.

She also dropped the bombshell that we only have 5 more sessions together. Fuck knows what happens after those then.

So basically I'm feeling much better than I did before talking to her. Maybe we'll finally get to the bottom of what's wrong with me?