October 23rd, 2009

(no subject)

CBT this morning

We talked about how my perfectionism impacts on my life and mental health. we had to discuss where it comes from, so we had to talk about my parents. Trouble was I'm already having a bad week - I'm nervous about Amsterdam (although excited), upset about holly, Uncle bill is still in hospital, and I still have no money. talking about mum and dad just topped it off. Crying is exhausting, and it was that proper sobbing, unable to speak type crying.

My mum was always very encouraging. She had her faults, don't get me wrong, but she encouraged me to try new things, and congratulated what was good about it. She'd have definitely thought leaving work was a good idea. My dad on the other hand picks out everything which isn't done properly, and can do it better than you. If you're having a hard time he's also had it much worse.

basically I've worked out that since mum died, I've only had this type of parent. The type that thinks you shouldn't bother doing something unless it's perfect. This is why I think my mental health has finally snapped this time. In the past if I said anything about how i was feeling, my mum used to empathise and say 'i often feel like that, it's a bit shit isn't it?' rather than 'why are you complaining, I had a much worse childhood than you'. I also had a boss who was like my dad, as I mentioned before. In 3 years we met our targets twice, and the one time we didn't was because he broke his wrist. He'd always focus on the one year we didn't meet the target rather than the two times I got us to the targets easily.

Where was I?

Oh yes, so I have to have a more flexible rule about things being perfect. The old rule was stated as

'If something is worth doing, it's worth doing properly, so it must be done perfectly'

and we've changed that to

'if something is worth doing, then it should be done to the best of my abilities at that particular time'

I can't believe all this takes an hour. It feels like it shouldn't be that hard to come to these conclusions. It always feels like K should have more important people to deal with than me, people who had those terrible childhoods, and accidents, and traumatic events.

And then I realise that's my dad talking. And fall asleep.

Best app ever?

Best app ever?
Originally uploaded by peskychloe
The iPhone app store has genius enabled and suggests other apps you
might like. I got recommended this today. Is this the most pointless
app ever? I challenge you to take a screenshot if you can find a worst