August 31st, 2009


I've been awake since 6am again for the 8th day in a row. It's hellish filling the time, because I don't even get to go to sleep any earlier, ie I'm awake until 1am, meaning a grand total of 5 hours sleep each night.

Sometimes I get a couple of hours of napping if Ian doesn't disturb me mid-afternoon. It makes me feel so lazy cause Tom must wonder why I don't work, and he just sees me sleeping a lot. Yesterday he came up to get Ian out of bed, brought him in the living room, and went back downstairs, and I was fast asleep the whole time. I remember watching the end of Friends, and then next thing I know I wake up and Ian's sitting in the room with me, watching the news. He said 'can we have some tea when you're a bit more awake?', and we finally ate some leftover shepherd's pie from the freezer just before 9pm.

Therapy on Friday - we looked at the week without making more cards for the party, and I struggled more with not shuffling my cards around to make them 'perfect'. I had other creative things I could do other than making cards, but hadn't given myself other organising jobs. I should have cleaned the rest of the house, but I didn't. I'll have to do it this week, cause Ian's mum is coming over, and I want her to know I'm taking good care of Ian.

I have an experiment for next week - I want to be able to go to my brother's house and not mention the fucking plate I broke 18 months ago when I was putting the hoist up and it knocked the plate off the wall. I mention it and get worked up about it every time. Even I know how fucking stupid this is, and was being hard on myself in therapy calling myself an idiot for getting so upset about a fucking plate.

College was a bit annoying, but only because everyone else was getting annoyed with the waiting, and I was getting annoyed at them getting annoyed because I had been waiting to register, and they seemed to have been dragged there by their parents. The girl behind me just kept going on and on and on about something, literally for the whole hour we waited for ID cards. I could have put her mind at rest, but that would have meant admitting I was listening, and had checked her registration letter to make sure she wasn't on my course.

You may have noticed that bank holiday monday has been filled by painting this massive canvas for mofette. I'm as finished as I can be without her seeing it and letting me know if anything needs changing. so mofette - if you read this, give me a shout.