August 13th, 2009

failed ice cream

(no subject)

Was looking around on Facebook to take my mind off worrying about money (we had a puncture, wasp nest removal and wood staining all in the last 3 days...) and was looking at old photos of Caroline, a really sweet girl who I knew in Spalding. I noticed she had photos of Jamie, so I thought I'd look at his profile to see if his sister Clare was on there. 

Looking through his friends, I found Toby Shipp*. I'd been looking for him a while back, but to finally find him when I wasn't looking gave me the most horrific shock.

It made me tearful, shaky, and, I don't really know what else. It's ridiculous that it effected me so much. It annoys me that it effects me, because he's just a shit who I knew 18 years ago. It obviously annoys Ian that it effects me as well, because he can't understand why it effects me either.

I think I just thought he might have died in a ditch somewhere in a heroin daze. Which is a nasty thing to think, which makes me feel guilty. And yet I don't want him to still be around either.

Had a chat with Clauds, who understood because of something similar that happened to her - she said it's like how dare they still be walking around just getting on with their lives? This is probably what my problem is to be honest. How dare he be having a normal life?

But also, I don't want him to have any bearing on my life. How dare he still mean anything after this long. And yet he does. I was never happy with how things were left, so I suppose if I had to talk in cliches 'I never got closure'.

I wanted to find him to get closure. But now I've found him, I won't get closure unless I contact him, and I don't want to fucking contact him. Because if he doesn't reply, I don't know how that'll effect me. And if I contact him he'll know I still know who he is.

Oh for fucks sake, I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up.

* If you don't know who this is, you can follow the tag at the bottom to read about him (it was very filtered, but it's now unlocked) - basically he was the bloke who was emotionally cruel to me when I was 15 and I never got closure after he didn't speak to me any more.