July 17th, 2009

17th July - latest therapy and Richard visit

Today has been a funny one. Had a bit of a breakthrough in therapy today. I couldn't find my homework sheets, and I stopped looking. I just didn't see it as being that important. And it isn't, but I've never thought that before.

We worked in therapy on my goals and targets for therapy. We couldn't manage it last week because I couldn't think ahead at all, I found it too upsetting.

I always thought my ultimate goal would be to just stop this cycle of behaviour I'm in. Instead today we decided that we're going to make the cycle shorter, so it lasts less time and I don't get so tired. This seems an excellent idea.

I keep saying it, but Kathryn 'gets' me so much more than Kimberley ever did. She used to tell me to keep busy, and distract myself, whilst Kathryn thinks my other big goal should be to be able to do nothing. And not feel guilty about it. IE to learn to relax. Just talking about it made me feel bad, so we talked about what I was thinking. I said it'd be lazy to not do something, and the only thing I can do and not feel guilty is paint, and even then I'm so emotionally invested in painting that it can be upsetting if I don't reach my own high standards. Even card making is becoming like a job (albeit one I enjoy and make a bit of money from).

So to start this, we're going to work on me reading a book. I used to read loads, but now I can't concentrate on reading as I keep thinking about what else I 'should' be doing. Reading isn't an expression of part of me - I can't do it wrong or right, no one will judge the end result, and it's impossible to multi-task, or earn money doing it. It's a 'proper' relaxing hobby.

So then I went and bought some treats, and came home to get ready for a visit from Richard. We knew him in Lancaster, and have kept in touch. He's lived in New Zealand for 9 years, so we don't see much of him. It's always nice seeing him though, and you can tell who real friends are because you fall into easy conversation with them even when you haven't seen them for years.

Here we all are L-R: Pete, me, rich, Ian

richard 011

And here's one of me and Rich - that's a tea cosy on my head

richard 021

Continuing my 'what i wore today'

skirt, leggings and shoes - the same as wednesday
cardi - new look via Fiona
top - evans
necklace - my other fashion candy one

16th July

top - evans
skirt - evans via sonia (cut down)
leggings - peacocks
shoes - my other vivo ones
necklace - brass octopus from thriftstore

17th july