June 27th, 2009

(no subject)

 I've been awake since quarter to five. I'm knackered. I'll tell you about yesterday now.

CBT was hard - we were distilling 'my problem' into one sentence. we managed one paragraph, which is more than i could have hoped.

It turns out my three main problems i.e.

1. thinking i've hurt someone makes me feel physically ill and anxious and not worthy of being alive
2. if someone does something which i consider unacceptable, i get really furious, or i want to not live in the same world as them any more
3. if something i've produced isn't perfect i get really upset/if someone interrupts my routine i get anxious/all the other OCD crap

are part of the same thing. And people saying I'm always so unkind to myself is kind of true, but not in the same way I was taking it.

My perfectionist standards are aimed at everything i do, everything i say, and the kind of person i am, as well as the space i inhabit, whether my house or the whole world. therefore i get angry when someone behaves in a way which disrupts my perfect world, but i also get upset with myself when i don't consider myself to be 'the best that i can be' - i need to be the best friend i can be, which is why i get upset when i think i've upset someone possibly. i need to be the best wife i can be, so because i can't produce a child for ian, i get upset (although it's probably a good job i don't have a child, because it'd have to be the best child and i'd have to be the best mother...) i needed to be the best manager/employee and when i couldn't cope any more, i fell apart with self loathing

So this effects me severely, and crippling, and i didn't even know it until yesterday. I knew i was a perfectionist, which can be a good thing, but it's become a problem.

So after all that I was exhausted, so i decided to go and book a tattoo, as a kind of treat. This turned out to be a stupid idea.

I got there, and asked to see Dave. I was told he was busy, and would be free in an hour and a half. that should have been the end of it.

But i asked if i could just have a quick word to book my tattoo. Luke offered to book it in, but i said i wasn't sure about the design, so he said i'd definitely need to see dave. I said I'd come back, and Luke said Dave is booked until October, so I should be sure not to leave it too long.

I went, and was disappointed. BUt then i started getting paranoid. I thought dave had seen me out of the window and told them to say he was busy because he didn't want to see me because i kicked his chair last time, not just anyone, but ME in particular. this is obviously voice 1

I argued against that with voice 2 - i'm sure he is busy, and as a client i wouldn't like it if he stopped tattooing me to go out and talk to someone. I also said he's got no reason to dislike me, and he wouldn't even remember the thing with the chair. THAT should have definitely been the end of it.

But then voice 3 chipped in. 'as if he even knows you exist, why would he even remember you. you're so full of yourself.'

So then voice 1 did my usual thing and thought about emailing him. But voice 2 reminded me that he IS busy, and i'd just drive myself mad because he wouldn't reply straightaway.

So voice 1 said he wouldn't reply anyway, because he hates me and doesn't want to see me again. AND voice 3 was saying 'why do you care anyway, you in love with him or something?' - these two voices were going round and round, saying he was mad with me, he hated me, he didn't know who i was anyway, i'm arrogant, i'm full of myself...

and then I started thinking that he thought i was stalking him and he was going to get a restraining order out on me.
and then i started panicking that he was coming to the wet spot (which is tonight) and he'd either ignore me because he hates me, or he'd ignore me because he thinks i fancy him, or he'd ignore me cause he doesn't know who i am... and then i thought he'd point me out to his girlfriend and she'd come and punch me, or he'd point me out to his friends, and they'd all laugh at the ridiculous girl who thinks she's so important, or he'd shout at me to leave him alone, or he'd just ignore me completely.

by this time, i'm shaking in my car, and having trouble controlling myself. voice 1 and voice 3 were both telling me not to go to the wet spot for varying reasons, and voice 2 was drowning under the flood of self-criticism, and fighting a losing battle.

I'm not sure how I managed it, but  I drove home, and just tried to relax. There was no way I should have tried to do that after being so emotionally raw after my session. I'm exhausted just writing about it.