June 19th, 2009

(no subject)

Being mental is exhausting today

CBT was as hellish as always, and yet I'm happy about it because we're starting to address the things which cause me distress. Went through the cycle my brain goes through, and my third voice started up

'You're wasting her time. This is ridiculous. You're not that bad, there's plenty of people worse off she could be helping. You're such a whiner"

So much so that we had to stop so I could explain why I'd stopped being able to speak through distress.

At the end, she asked what I wanted out of the sessions. I pointed to the sheet of thoughts she'd written down as I spoke, covered in arrows to show the flow of my brain. A few minutes before she'd asked me to read back through it and I couldn't because it upset me that my brain thinks these things. I couldn't bear to read them aloud.

I just pointed and said 'I want this to stop'. I explained that my brain has been working like this since I was 16 and I thought I'd just grow out of it, but now it makes me so tired, and emotional, and exhausted, and drained, and hopeless, and distressed, that I just want it to stop.

So after that I came home, and looked through my forms for Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) which came in the post. I'd thought I could work for 15 hours, and had been looking for a job. After the GP told me yesterday that I shouldn't resign as that would be voluntarily putting myself out of work and would effect my benefits, I've been worrying. Today Nick at Pathways told me that I can't work on ESA until I've had my assessment, which usually takes 12 weeks, but often takes SIX MONTHS in Leeds.

So the situation is this

1. I still have a job at the dentist, in theory
2. I've been signed off 28 weeks, so I don't get Statutory sick pay any more
3. I don't want to go back to my old job because it's bad for my health
4. The GP signed me off sick, but says if I get a job he'll sign me as fit
5. He also told me not to resign, even though i never want to go back
7. I can't get JSA if I'm signed off sick, even though I'm looking for a job
8. I can get ESA if I'm signed off sick, but I can't work at all until I've had an assessment, which will take 3 months at least
9. I start college in less than 3 months
10. When I'm at college I can't claim anything anyway
11. If I can work when I've had my assessment I can only do 15 hours
12. When I apply for jobs they ask for my previous employer for a reference, so my boss is going to know I'm not going back, so he'll assume I'm resigning
13. This will effect my benefits
14. No one will give me a job anyway because I'm signed off sick...

I don't see why it's so hard for them to understand the following:

'I want a job, which is only 2 days a week, and not stressful, so I don't have a nervous breakdown again and end up really being unable to work"