January 18th, 2009

paranoia - very very filtered, and TMI

When I was younger, I was friends with a boy called Toby. I went over and talked to him at a party because he looked like Richard Beckinsale. I was 15, he was 17. I was pretty much besotted with him straightaway because he knew who teenage fanclub were. He asked me to go to a concert with him, but as I was only 15 I said no.

We became really friendly. He was allowed into my room after school, because we weren't going out. I engineered lots of ways to make him love me, all of which didn't seem to work. I invited him out to a club, took some friends along, and then we all slept in the living room together.

We saw each other every weekend, and he'd often say odd things which I didn't know if he meant them or not. He said he liked me, that I was funny and intelligent, but nothing ever went any further.

After about a month, he met me from school, and told me he'd been expelled because he headbutted a teacher. After this, he went to college, and used to do a lot of my art homework for me. We'd see each other every night, but I still didn't have his phone number. One sunday, he walked me to work along the riverbank and he said his parents had asked if I wanted to go to Greece with them. I asked 'Really?' and he said 'You tell  me. Do I mean it or not?' I didn't really know what to make of that, and he just kept saying that I had to decide if he meant it.

We ended up having a massive row about something else, but really this was why. I went to work (in the local shop), and he hung around outside, coming in every 30 minutes or so and buying sweets from the other person, and ignoring me. When I left at 9pm, he'd gone already. The next day at school, I was so miserable, that my friends made me ring my friend's boyfriend who had Toby's number, and talk to Toby about what was going on.

We made friends again, and went into town with a bottle of jack daniels to drink it outside the civic hall. The next weekend, his friend Tom was coming to stay. We walked into town (me with my bike) to meet Tom. I can't really remember how it started, I think it was because I wasn't interested in going to the pub with him that night for whatever reason, but Toby eventually said, in front of Tom, that I was ruining everything, as he'd planned for me and Tom to sleep together as we would get on and we were both virgins. I rode off on my bike crying.

I rang him again to sort things out as I missed him so much. I'd got very dependent on him by this time. It was my 16th birthday, and he ignored it, but otherwise we were close. We spent a lot of time together talking about music, and how he wanted to move back to London. I was driven over to his house by my mum or dad, he came to my house on the bus. Whilst dad never really liked him, he put up with him.

Then near christmas, he invited me over to his house to stay the night. As I arrived, his parents left, and his dad winked at him. We spent the night listening to music and drinking, and we were both sitting around half dressed as it seemed like a good idea. At about 11pm, he was lying with his head in my lap (as he did all the time), and pulled my head down to kiss me. I was really surprised, as he hadn't ever shown any romantic interest in me.

After a while kissing, he said that he loved me, he'd wanted to go out with me, but he knew his friends would laugh as I'm younger than him and fat. He said if we moved to London together we could get married, and he put an elastic band around my ring finger. Then he said we should go upstairs. Naively, I went upstairs with him, and we kissed some more. Then he said it was time for us both to lose our virginity. I laughed, as it was a cheesy line, and I wouldn't have dreamed of sleeping with him straightaway.

He didn't get angry, but he told me to go back downstairs. Because he wasn't angry, I thought that he loved me, and we would get married. I lay there on the couch trying to sleep, but the bloody siamese cats kept me awake yowling. Then I started getting tired, but couldn't sleep. I started remembering the times before when he'd tricked me, or tried to test me. I started not knowing whether he'd meant anything, and then feeling guilty if he did because he might be upset that I didn't want to sleep with him.

In the morning, his brother came home about 5am and was surprised to see me on the sofa. He gave me a donut and wished me a happy christmas. At about 9am, Toby came through with coffee, and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. We walked to the graveyard, and he showed me his favourite gravestones. When we got back, my mum was waiting. It turned out he's rung her to pick me up while I was in the bathroom.

I went to work that Sunday, and told a friend I was engaged (I was still wearing the elastic band) and thought about Toby all day. Then on monday, he didn't pick me up from school. I tried ringing, but his mum said he wasn't there. He never called back, and I never spoke to him again.

I still don't know what I did wrong. If I really upset him, or if he was testing me, or playing with my feelings. I never got closure, and years of looking for him, and I haven't found him to get that closure. I saw him twice after that, once about 2 months later at the fairground, where we both ignored each other, and 3 years later in Stamford at Quayhole Kate's watching Back to the Planet. In Stamford, Sarah said he kept looking over, but seeing him there and I seill couldn't go over.

And now he seems to have disappearred. There's no one with his name in the whole of the UK, or at least not anywhere online or on the electoral roll. He was always ex-directory, and I burnt his phone number when I burnt all the gifts he gave me (mainly computer printous of his art and kinder egg toys).

So, that's the origin of my paranoia.

It manifests itself now when I can't trust people. Why I always think people are testing me, or not really saying what they mean. Why I never believe people really love me, why I never believe I'm worth much.

In my worst moments, and I've never talked about this, and it's the reason for my small filter, I think I'm in a reality show like The Truman Show. When that film was brought out, it freaked me out, as before that I always thought that this was what my life was. That I was being filmed, that things were happening to see how I reacted to them, and that things were being written in at just the right moment to freak me out. It still happens now, and I know how ridiculous it is. I often 'speak to the camera', or won't do something because people are watching. This is TMI but it took me a long time to even masturbate as I thought people would see me. I often say things because I think it'll be a good storyline. Not to people I care about, honestly, just to spice things up a bit. Things always seem to happen at the most inopportune moments, or the best moments for tension or cliff hangers.

I truly honestly wish I could find him and finish things with him. But I really feel like he was a bit part, and won't ever be a returning character, and THAT'S why i can't find him. Because that isn't his real name, he's an actor, and he did his job and left.