Right, then, what have we missed?

CBT on Friday

K was pleased I hadn't made any cards the week before, and the night still went well, so we decided this was a good experiment. My usual precautions wouldn't have made any difference, and not doing them, whilst difficult, meant I wasn't so tired. The next experiment was to not mention the plate I broke 18 months ago, as we've discussed previously. Elliot, this is unlocked, so you'll read it, but believe me, I felt ridiculous that this was my experiment.

BIRMINGHAM

I didn't mention the plate

We had a great time, and Madeleine was fascinated with the decoupage sheets I was making, and even wanted to join in and make some of them. She made a lovely card with one shaped like a flower, and Nicola is now going to try and get some card making stuff from create and Craft! I also finally got some photos of madeleine in the dress which britishcowgirl made.

( photos )

MEETING BEL

We got back, and I had an email from Bel asking if I was free to meet up sooner than the 18th. She'd said she had something to show me, and I had no idea what. She'd also asked me to keep a weekend free, because she was planning a trip somewhere Leeds and wanted to meet me while she was this way. I was pretty nervous as I always am recently about meeting people, but it's getting easier as time goes by. Her kids are gorgeous, so i had a bit of a chat with Megan, and Lily who kept saying 'yeah'.

When Bel mentioned the thing she wanted to show me, I'd sort of forgotten that we weren't just meeting and having a coffee. She gave me a card first, and as I read it, I was speechless. For anyone that doesn't know; do you remember the BA Great Britons application that I asked people to vote for? Well, I didn't get it obviously, so Bel had asked around my online friends, and got donations to send me to Amsterdam. That's right, Amsterdam. With accomodation, flights, tickets to the Van Gogh museum and some spending money.

It seemed like a joke, but as Bel kept pulling things out of this bag, including a huge card with everyone's name written in it, and guide books, and printouts of flight details and hotel accomodation, I got more and more choked up. Her girls went really quiet bless them, almost like 'what on earth has mummy done to make this lady cry?!' but I was smiling by then, and they seemed satisfied with that.

The more Bel explained how she'd come up with the idea, the more unreal it seemed. She'd even sent me a survey about disabled travellers which she said a friend was doing in order to get details on flights and rooms and everything! There was a little book covered in fabric with a camera charm on it, and another little book from etsy, so I can write about my time in Amsterdam while I'm there.

I had a mixture of emotions as I drove home to share it with Ian. My first thought was that ian's mum would be upset that we were going to Amsterdam before visiting them in France. But that's not really my fault, so I tried to stop feeling bad. Then I worried that my friends had donated money they couldn't afford, so I made sure none of the people who owe me money sent me money, if that makes sense. Then when I got home I worried that I'd be dragging ian somewhere he didn't want to go! Won't my brain just leave me alone??

He's more excited today than yesterday. I think he was just a bit shell-shocked when I first told him. And a bit worried about practicalities. But obviously the more we looked into it, the more Bel has already sorted out for us! Next he's trying to find a company that will loan us a hoist so we don't have to take ours on the plane. You know what airlines are like.

So, each of the people who helped out, you'll be getting an individual message - even if it takes me all week, I'll write to you individually.

FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE

College keep changing our timetable, which is a bit of a pain in the arse.
Some of the other students are a pain in the arse.

Here's my 'first day at school' photo - I forgot to take my lunch bag though, even though it's in the photo, as once I went off to find my cardigan I forgot about it.



T-shirt - New Look
Skirt - Very
Leggings - Matalan
Shoes - Vivo Barefoot

Today has been a funny one. Had a bit of a breakthrough in therapy today. I couldn't find my homework sheets, and I stopped looking. I just didn't see it as being that important. And it isn't, but I've never thought that before.

We worked in therapy on my goals and targets for therapy. We couldn't manage it last week because I couldn't think ahead at all, I found it too upsetting.

I always thought my ultimate goal would be to just stop this cycle of behaviour I'm in. Instead today we decided that we're going to make the cycle shorter, so it lasts less time and I don't get so tired. This seems an excellent idea.

I keep saying it, but Kathryn 'gets' me so much more than Kimberley ever did. She used to tell me to keep busy, and distract myself, whilst Kathryn thinks my other big goal should be to be able to do nothing. And not feel guilty about it. IE to learn to relax. Just talking about it made me feel bad, so we talked about what I was thinking. I said it'd be lazy to not do something, and the only thing I can do and not feel guilty is paint, and even then I'm so emotionally invested in painting that it can be upsetting if I don't reach my own high standards. Even card making is becoming like a job (albeit one I enjoy and make a bit of money from).

So to start this, we're going to work on me reading a book. I used to read loads, but now I can't concentrate on reading as I keep thinking about what else I 'should' be doing. Reading isn't an expression of part of me - I can't do it wrong or right, no one will judge the end result, and it's impossible to multi-task, or earn money doing it. It's a 'proper' relaxing hobby.

So then I went and bought some treats, and came home to get ready for a visit from Richard. We knew him in Lancaster, and have kept in touch. He's lived in New Zealand for 9 years, so we don't see much of him. It's always nice seeing him though, and you can tell who real friends are because you fall into easy conversation with them even when you haven't seen them for years.

Here we all are L-R: Pete, me, rich, Ian



And here's one of me and Rich - that's a tea cosy on my head



Continuing my 'what i wore today'

yesterday
skirt, leggings and shoes - the same as wednesday
cardi - new look via Fiona
top - evans
necklace - my other fashion candy one



today
top - evans
skirt - evans via sonia (cut down)
leggings - peacocks
shoes - my other vivo ones
necklace - brass octopus from thriftstore