AMSTERDAM



( photos and writing under the cut as it's LONG )

I'm sorry I'm not managing to keep up with my F-list. It's not that I don't want to, it's just I'm struggling a bit at the minute. It's a good struggle though because I'm managing to go to college three times a week. The struggle is not going mental at some of the other students, and trying to keep my head together when the job centre want me to find a job.

I've now been without any means of income for over 4 weeks - my ESA was stopped, and they haven't processed my JSA, even though I've been looking for jobs non-stop. I've explained that I don't mind working as long as it's not stressful, I can still go to college, and I'm not financially worse off. It'd be hard to be worse off when no-one is giving me anything to live on, except for Ian. I'm managing bits of mystery shopping here and then, and you may have noticed I'm catching up with my commissions - this is partly cash related, but also because I'm kind of getting bogged down in college homework.

College is a bit of a lifesaver. The only fly in the ointment is that my usual way of acting (ie listening to people tell me their problems, giving people things when they do stuff for me, being helpful if I can be and so on) - which is wonderful, and I'm proud of my personality etc etc - has given rise to me being the class representative. Ian is worried it's going to tip me over the edge again. it's nothing really. I'm getting more annoyed with them not cleaning the sink to be honest, and he's not completely understanding how annoying that is.

the worst thing that's happened is people going through my pencil case, using things, and either nicking them or not putting me back and leaving me to find them on their desk when i clear up after them (I know I shouldn't clear up their shit, but when it affects me, I will do). this is because my pencil case is a see through tupperware box. I've changed it so it looks like a handbag. they'd better not fucking go through there and steal my pens again. Three (purple, silver and black) of my fine liners have gone missing so far. The college population as a whole is nice - people seem bewildered by someone (ie me) being nice to them about their artwork without being asked or knowing who they are, but never mind. Smiling at strangers in the corridor and telling them you like their choice of leggings is treated first with suspicion, and then with genuine pleasure. The vigilant watching of my pen box and continuous scrubbing of old paint off the sink isn't as nice.

College work stops me thinking self-critical thoughts. Consequently I've probably done too much college work. I haven't had my first one to one tutor session yet - I did get sent a leaflet for the counselling service though - so I can't be sure, but I think the 3 tutors I have are happy with me. I'm battling with myself to not do too little or I'll disappoint myself, and not to do too much so I don't annoy the other students. If they do mention how much I've been doing, I have to remind them that a) we have no kids, b) i have no job and c) i'm a bit mental.

I've not covered up my mental health at college. It didn't seem right to. I tried that at work, and I ended up breaking down. Being honest about my head will hopefully mean I don't strain myself covering up the loonies, and I shouldn't end up breaking down. That makes sense in my head. I should maybe stop being quite so honest before I get a reputation as some sort of Van Gogh wannabe, especially as we're off to Amsterdam.

Everything is sorted for the trip! I've got my passport and tickets and everything already inside a little handbag. The bed lifters arrived, so we can use the rented hoist, Ian has booked a taxi to the hotel, and back again when we leave. The trams are accessible and they go past the hotel. We seem to be all sorted. I'm nervous, but excited, particularly about flying.

Right, then, what have we missed?

CBT on Friday

K was pleased I hadn't made any cards the week before, and the night still went well, so we decided this was a good experiment. My usual precautions wouldn't have made any difference, and not doing them, whilst difficult, meant I wasn't so tired. The next experiment was to not mention the plate I broke 18 months ago, as we've discussed previously. Elliot, this is unlocked, so you'll read it, but believe me, I felt ridiculous that this was my experiment.

BIRMINGHAM

I didn't mention the plate

We had a great time, and Madeleine was fascinated with the decoupage sheets I was making, and even wanted to join in and make some of them. She made a lovely card with one shaped like a flower, and Nicola is now going to try and get some card making stuff from create and Craft! I also finally got some photos of madeleine in the dress which britishcowgirl made.

( photos )

MEETING BEL

We got back, and I had an email from Bel asking if I was free to meet up sooner than the 18th. She'd said she had something to show me, and I had no idea what. She'd also asked me to keep a weekend free, because she was planning a trip somewhere Leeds and wanted to meet me while she was this way. I was pretty nervous as I always am recently about meeting people, but it's getting easier as time goes by. Her kids are gorgeous, so i had a bit of a chat with Megan, and Lily who kept saying 'yeah'.

When Bel mentioned the thing she wanted to show me, I'd sort of forgotten that we weren't just meeting and having a coffee. She gave me a card first, and as I read it, I was speechless. For anyone that doesn't know; do you remember the BA Great Britons application that I asked people to vote for? Well, I didn't get it obviously, so Bel had asked around my online friends, and got donations to send me to Amsterdam. That's right, Amsterdam. With accomodation, flights, tickets to the Van Gogh museum and some spending money.

It seemed like a joke, but as Bel kept pulling things out of this bag, including a huge card with everyone's name written in it, and guide books, and printouts of flight details and hotel accomodation, I got more and more choked up. Her girls went really quiet bless them, almost like 'what on earth has mummy done to make this lady cry?!' but I was smiling by then, and they seemed satisfied with that.

The more Bel explained how she'd come up with the idea, the more unreal it seemed. She'd even sent me a survey about disabled travellers which she said a friend was doing in order to get details on flights and rooms and everything! There was a little book covered in fabric with a camera charm on it, and another little book from etsy, so I can write about my time in Amsterdam while I'm there.

I had a mixture of emotions as I drove home to share it with Ian. My first thought was that ian's mum would be upset that we were going to Amsterdam before visiting them in France. But that's not really my fault, so I tried to stop feeling bad. Then I worried that my friends had donated money they couldn't afford, so I made sure none of the people who owe me money sent me money, if that makes sense. Then when I got home I worried that I'd be dragging ian somewhere he didn't want to go! Won't my brain just leave me alone??

He's more excited today than yesterday. I think he was just a bit shell-shocked when I first told him. And a bit worried about practicalities. But obviously the more we looked into it, the more Bel has already sorted out for us! Next he's trying to find a company that will loan us a hoist so we don't have to take ours on the plane. You know what airlines are like.

So, each of the people who helped out, you'll be getting an individual message - even if it takes me all week, I'll write to you individually.

FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE

College keep changing our timetable, which is a bit of a pain in the arse.
Some of the other students are a pain in the arse.

Here's my 'first day at school' photo - I forgot to take my lunch bag though, even though it's in the photo, as once I went off to find my cardigan I forgot about it.



T-shirt - New Look
Skirt - Very
Leggings - Matalan
Shoes - Vivo Barefoot