Does anyone want a box of cards from me by the way? There's 18 different cards, including an A5 glossy printed one of ian's painting of a holly plant and some christmas cupcake ones, and they come in a patterned or decorated gift box which you can reuse.
Ian very upset - Holly is his favourite. I'm upset as well obviously, but when you get upset at running out of peanut butter, it's hard to tell what's going on.
I've now been without any means of income for over 4 weeks - my ESA was stopped, and they haven't processed my JSA, even though I've been looking for jobs non-stop. I've explained that I don't mind working as long as it's not stressful, I can still go to college, and I'm not financially worse off. It'd be hard to be worse off when no-one is giving me anything to live on, except for Ian. I'm managing bits of mystery shopping here and then, and you may have noticed I'm catching up with my commissions - this is partly cash related, but also because I'm kind of getting bogged down in college homework.
College is a bit of a lifesaver. The only fly in the ointment is that my usual way of acting (ie listening to people tell me their problems, giving people things when they do stuff for me, being helpful if I can be and so on) - which is wonderful, and I'm proud of my personality etc etc - has given rise to me being the class representative. Ian is worried it's going to tip me over the edge again. it's nothing really. I'm getting more annoyed with them not cleaning the sink to be honest, and he's not completely understanding how annoying that is.
the worst thing that's happened is people going through my pencil case, using things, and either nicking them or not putting me back and leaving me to find them on their desk when i clear up after them (I know I shouldn't clear up their shit, but when it affects me, I will do). this is because my pencil case is a see through tupperware box. I've changed it so it looks like a handbag. they'd better not fucking go through there and steal my pens again. Three (purple, silver and black) of my fine liners have gone missing so far. The college population as a whole is nice - people seem bewildered by someone (ie me) being nice to them about their artwork without being asked or knowing who they are, but never mind. Smiling at strangers in the corridor and telling them you like their choice of leggings is treated first with suspicion, and then with genuine pleasure. The vigilant watching of my pen box and continuous scrubbing of old paint off the sink isn't as nice.
College work stops me thinking self-critical thoughts. Consequently I've probably done too much college work. I haven't had my first one to one tutor session yet - I did get sent a leaflet for the counselling service though - so I can't be sure, but I think the 3 tutors I have are happy with me. I'm battling with myself to not do too little or I'll disappoint myself, and not to do too much so I don't annoy the other students. If they do mention how much I've been doing, I have to remind them that a) we have no kids, b) i have no job and c) i'm a bit mental.
I've not covered up my mental health at college. It didn't seem right to. I tried that at work, and I ended up breaking down. Being honest about my head will hopefully mean I don't strain myself covering up the loonies, and I shouldn't end up breaking down. That makes sense in my head. I should maybe stop being quite so honest before I get a reputation as some sort of Van Gogh wannabe, especially as we're off to Amsterdam.
Everything is sorted for the trip! I've got my passport and tickets and everything already inside a little handbag. The bed lifters arrived, so we can use the rented hoist, Ian has booked a taxi to the hotel, and back again when we leave. The trams are accessible and they go past the hotel. We seem to be all sorted. I'm nervous, but excited, particularly about flying.
not in a great mood, but understandable as uncle bill has been taken ill, and of all my extended relatives, he was always my favourite.
( a huge rabbit, some hepworth, and my classmates )
----------------------------------------
I've had a clearout, and as it's September, I have of course finished my christmas cards, so if there's anyone who wants some christmas stuff, then this is where to look.
No trades please, I'm saving up for Amsterdam :)
( stamps, stickers, papers, and random things too )
Also some stuff on ebay - click here
CBT on Friday
K was pleased I hadn't made any cards the week before, and the night still went well, so we decided this was a good experiment. My usual precautions wouldn't have made any difference, and not doing them, whilst difficult, meant I wasn't so tired. The next experiment was to not mention the plate I broke 18 months ago, as we've discussed previously. Elliot, this is unlocked, so you'll read it, but believe me, I felt ridiculous that this was my experiment.
BIRMINGHAM
I didn't mention the plate
We had a great time, and Madeleine was fascinated with the decoupage sheets I was making, and even wanted to join in and make some of them. She made a lovely card with one shaped like a flower, and Nicola is now going to try and get some card making stuff from create and Craft! I also finally got some photos of madeleine in the dress which
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
britishcowgirl made. ( photos )
MEETING BEL
We got back, and I had an email from Bel asking if I was free to meet up sooner than the 18th. She'd said she had something to show me, and I had no idea what. She'd also asked me to keep a weekend free, because she was planning a trip somewhere Leeds and wanted to meet me while she was this way. I was pretty nervous as I always am recently about meeting people, but it's getting easier as time goes by. Her kids are gorgeous, so i had a bit of a chat with Megan, and Lily who kept saying 'yeah'.
When Bel mentioned the thing she wanted to show me, I'd sort of forgotten that we weren't just meeting and having a coffee. She gave me a card first, and as I read it, I was speechless. For anyone that doesn't know; do you remember the BA Great Britons application that I asked people to vote for? Well, I didn't get it obviously, so Bel had asked around my online friends, and got donations to send me to Amsterdam. That's right, Amsterdam. With accomodation, flights, tickets to the Van Gogh museum and some spending money.
It seemed like a joke, but as Bel kept pulling things out of this bag, including a huge card with everyone's name written in it, and guide books, and printouts of flight details and hotel accomodation, I got more and more choked up. Her girls went really quiet bless them, almost like 'what on earth has mummy done to make this lady cry?!' but I was smiling by then, and they seemed satisfied with that.
The more Bel explained how she'd come up with the idea, the more unreal it seemed. She'd even sent me a survey about disabled travellers which she said a friend was doing in order to get details on flights and rooms and everything! There was a little book covered in fabric with a camera charm on it, and another little book from etsy, so I can write about my time in Amsterdam while I'm there.
I had a mixture of emotions as I drove home to share it with Ian. My first thought was that ian's mum would be upset that we were going to Amsterdam before visiting them in France. But that's not really my fault, so I tried to stop feeling bad. Then I worried that my friends had donated money they couldn't afford, so I made sure none of the people who owe me money sent me money, if that makes sense. Then when I got home I worried that I'd be dragging ian somewhere he didn't want to go! Won't my brain just leave me alone??
He's more excited today than yesterday. I think he was just a bit shell-shocked when I first told him. And a bit worried about practicalities. But obviously the more we looked into it, the more Bel has already sorted out for us! Next he's trying to find a company that will loan us a hoist so we don't have to take ours on the plane. You know what airlines are like.
So, each of the people who helped out, you'll be getting an individual message - even if it takes me all week, I'll write to you individually.
FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE
College keep changing our timetable, which is a bit of a pain in the arse.
Some of the other students are a pain in the arse.
Here's my 'first day at school' photo - I forgot to take my lunch bag though, even though it's in the photo, as once I went off to find my cardigan I forgot about it.
T-shirt - New Look
Skirt - Very
Leggings - Matalan
Shoes - Vivo Barefoot
I wanted to join in, so Grace gave me a toy guinea pig.
( more photos )
I hated my job because it was like working for Dad.
1. Nothing was ever good enough for either of them
2. There's always something you can be doing when you're around them, or you're lazy and wasting time
3. Whatever is wrong with me, they've both always had the same thing, only worse
4. They both asked me if I was cured after 2 weeks of taking medication
5. Neither of them contact me as they don't know what to say - in the case of Dad, I ring him, but I haven't contacted Huw for a long time.
6. Nothing is ever their fault, it's always someone else's
I feel really good for realising this. There's no wonder that job was bad for my health.
Claire, the cupcake dress is featured again if you're interested, and also Tarah, the fascinator you made me is there too! Melissa, don't know if you want to mention those two? Miss Needles made the fascinator, and Eternal Magpie made the dress.
http://tfghs.blogspot.com/2009/08/spotli
Answering questions like 'And have you ever thought it wasn't worth living any more?' before 9am is also one of my favourite things.
She didn't really look at me, just typed everything I said into a computer. This is good in a way, because I won't be misrepresented, but it meant she didn't realise I was crying for a while. Then when her computer didn't save something and we had to go over it again, it felt great...
Anyway, someone is going to look at what I've said and decide if I need any more torture (aka a 'return to work' assessment).
This story is surely the internet at it's most amazing CAPSLOCK best.
Anyway, my interest in this lies in not only wanting to know everything, but also this - he also designed the Biffy Clyro 'Mountains' artwork, which is amazing.
However, I'm not a good sales woman. I'm bad enough at selling my own stuff, but if I don't believe in something, I really can't push it. I didn't want to sell candles. Or tupperware. or even other's people's cards (Phoenix for example)
Craft fairs are OK, but it's all very judgemental, and it sends me a bit doolally. People at the Partylite thing were enjoying looking at my cards, and I wasn't pushing at all and sold a few. Tanya took a basket home, and she sold some to her mother-in-law, and a neighbour who bought a card at the party asked me to make another and offered to take a basket to work as well. Claudia also asked if she could do that too.
Then after I paid for my haircut partly with cards, Vic suggested I did a card party for her, and Katie also offered me an evening. I realised that people will always need cards. Also, people don't want to spend a lot of money at the minute. Finally, people want to support me - for whatever reason, they want me to do well.
So, I'm doing 3 card parties within the next few weeks, Sheffield, Guiseley and wherever it is Vic lives. It seems a great idea in my head, and the only thing I'm not sure about is tax/national insurance etc, but I can find that out after I do a couple and see if it's a goer. It seems mental to start a 'business' but it's giving people something they'd need anyway at a lower price.
So knowing more about this idea, would you let someone do this for you? For example me? It would basically mean coming to your house, showing cards to you and your friends, and that's it. It wouldn't cost anything, and I'd give you commission, or some cards or something as a thank you. I don't mind travelling a bit - I've mentioned it to Bel, and I'm going to see if my friend Kim in Sleaford will let me do one with her so I can try and cover Lincolnshire.
Is my brain going off the boil, or is this a good idea?
P.s My online earning guide is still in progress but I've unlocked it now. I'll be reviewing each cashback/survey site and letting you know which to bother joining, and also updating each month with how much I earn from each one.
http://pesky33.livejournal.com/435952.ht
I was really nervous, but quite naturally so. Doing anything new is nerve-wracking. I was panicking about being late, and wondering whether to get the bus or to take the car, and weighing up the pros and cons of both, and ended up ruminating for so long I definitely would have been late if I had decided on the bus. It meant I paid £9 parking, but it was worth it for peace of mind, and by 3pm my foot was killing me anyway.
There's a football exhibition, so we were doing football related crafting. The choice was 'finga footy' puppets, which are those things you put your fingers through which act as the legs, and some paper models put together with split pins so they moved. Esther had made it so they could make little tops to go on the split pin footballers, so we could show the children not interested in football that they could make a model of themselves and just put their own clothes on. It was ingenius, easy and ran itself, she obviously knows what she's doing.
One of the other staff had made a football pitch from astro turf with nets made from string, which wasn't finished, so Esther had made a goal from pipe cleaners. I loved all this obviously, and must have been gob smacked because Esther kept asking me if I was OK as I looked a bit bewildered.
My job was giving parents googly eyes and split pins so they could help the children put them on their puppets. We were also sticking art straws onto the back of the finger puppets to make them stronger, and then supervising them while they tried to score a goal on the fake pitch with a ping pong ball.
I was surprised at first that the children were all so into it, and so polite. But then Kerry pointed out that parents taking children to a museum will be a certain type of parent, and children agreeing to do something sitting at a desk in the school holidays which they aren't being forced to do will be a certain type of child. Hence the lack of, shall we say, 'scum'.
One little boy in particular made me laugh. His Dad was clearly loving it, trying to make a quiff on the finger puppet, and even giving it arms. I went over with googly eyes and he asked 'Do you know what my name is?' Now I'd heard someone call him Owen, so I said 'Owen', and he looked astonished, and said 'How did you know that?'. I explained that I know everything, so he asked me how old he was. He looked about 3, so I guessed at 3, which happened to be right. He looked at me like it was magic. Then he said 'How old is Jacob, my next door neighbour?' and I had to explain that I didn't know because he wasn't in the room. He just of nodded like that was fine.
Another boy came in with 7 other children, all of whom wanted to make a finger puppet. He just did a massive sigh and said 'Have you got any animal puppets?' I said I was sorry but we hadn't, although a little girl had made her footballer into a dog earlier, so maybe he could do that. He did another sigh and said 'anything with squirrels?'. He seemed so world weary, it was all I could do not to give him a huge cuddle. I didn't see if he managed a squirrel as I had a break then. I sat outside getting fresh air because it was bloody warm in the museum. A little boy walked past me, clearly staring at me, and then turned and said 'Mummy, why would someone have pink hair?' I didn't hear the answer.
All in all it was really succesful, Time flew by, and I enjoyed being around children again. I made a finger puppet of myself, and also a referee, and the children seemed to enjoy themselves, and liked having a chat with someone who acted more childishly than they were.
skirt - torrid
leggings and top - matalan
necklace - lovely lil deer
shoes - vivo barefoot Lucys
I like this photo cause it shows my bedroom. There's Dean's painting 'The Numbermen' there near the mirror, and you can see the amazing psychedelic coat (by Claire Wain) and my leopard hoodie and patchwork apron (both from Fi) in the background. You can also see the clipframe full of concert tickets on the wall too. Oh and the spiky thing above my head is my lampshade
2. bart finished living and working here :( - he gets married and moves to canada on sunday
3. I finished the recipe book - here's the cover
I dyed my hair pink, but it was rubbish stuff, I'm really not happy with the brightness. I do however like my big red button badge
You know when people say their glands are up? what does that mean? I have two lumps behind my ear which are painful when I press them.
BTW I have camouflage trousers on the bottom (Tesco), and the black top is a pinafore (Evans). I did take another picture but it was blurry. Go to Flickr if you're desperate...
We worked in therapy on my goals and targets for therapy. We couldn't manage it last week because I couldn't think ahead at all, I found it too upsetting.
I always thought my ultimate goal would be to just stop this cycle of behaviour I'm in. Instead today we decided that we're going to make the cycle shorter, so it lasts less time and I don't get so tired. This seems an excellent idea.
I keep saying it, but Kathryn 'gets' me so much more than Kimberley ever did. She used to tell me to keep busy, and distract myself, whilst Kathryn thinks my other big goal should be to be able to do nothing. And not feel guilty about it. IE to learn to relax. Just talking about it made me feel bad, so we talked about what I was thinking. I said it'd be lazy to not do something, and the only thing I can do and not feel guilty is paint, and even then I'm so emotionally invested in painting that it can be upsetting if I don't reach my own high standards. Even card making is becoming like a job (albeit one I enjoy and make a bit of money from).
So to start this, we're going to work on me reading a book. I used to read loads, but now I can't concentrate on reading as I keep thinking about what else I 'should' be doing. Reading isn't an expression of part of me - I can't do it wrong or right, no one will judge the end result, and it's impossible to multi-task, or earn money doing it. It's a 'proper' relaxing hobby.
So then I went and bought some treats, and came home to get ready for a visit from Richard. We knew him in Lancaster, and have kept in touch. He's lived in New Zealand for 9 years, so we don't see much of him. It's always nice seeing him though, and you can tell who real friends are because you fall into easy conversation with them even when you haven't seen them for years.
Here we all are L-R: Pete, me, rich, Ian
And here's one of me and Rich - that's a tea cosy on my head
Continuing my 'what i wore today'
yesterday
skirt, leggings and shoes - the same as wednesday
cardi - new look via Fiona
top - evans
necklace - my other fashion candy one
today
top - evans
skirt - evans via sonia (cut down)
leggings - peacocks
shoes - my other vivo ones
necklace - brass octopus from thriftstore
Profile
- pesky33
- Pesky Clo
- Pesky Facebook
Syndicate
